Browse Our Funny Jokes, Humors, Quotes | Liquid Laugh

Sir Peter Hall was directing a play, and rehearsals were going very, very badly. In an attempt to energise the cast, he told them that he was going to sit in the auditorium and they were to come on stage one by one and terrify him.

They did so, in turn, bellowing, screaming and shouting in the most menacing manner. Finally, Sir John Gielgud, the play’s star, quietly strolled to the centre of the stage, nonchalantly took a draw from his cigarette, looked at Sir Peter, said “We open in two weeks” and walked off.

Here are ideas for party games. The first is called “Twenty Questions”. Its rules are simple – you take an attractive girl into a dark and secluded place and ask her 20 questions. Of course, if the answer to the first one is “Yes”, you don’t have to bother with the other 19.

The second game is “Surprises” in which everybody drinks at least a bottle of gin and the host goes out of the room. After a minute he comes back in and you try to guess who it is.

A radio announcer was heard to say “We apologise for the 20 minutes break in transmission during the last programme, but hope this did not spoil your enjoyment of Thirty Minute Theatre.”

A poster at the entrance to Hull Methodist Church welcomed worshipers with: “Don’t let worry kill you off, let the church help”.

After hearing a young woman’s confession, the Catholic priest, who realised she was not one of his regular congregation, asked where she was from. He was very interested when she told him that she was an acrobat with the circus then visiting the town. In fact he was so interested that he asked her, as he was too busy to see the show, to give him a demonstration of her skills.

So she left the confession box and performed handstands in the aisle, somersaults, back flips with twists and all the tricks of her act.

Two elderly ladies were waiting to have their confessions heard and when they saw this one turned to the other and said “If that’s what Father Murphy is giving for penance, he won’t be seeing me this week!”

A “Wayside Pulpit” outside a West London church announced “If you are tired of sin – come in”.

Underneath had been written “If not – ring Hammersmith 3829″.

Mr. Higgins has been appointed choirmaster following a stiff organ test.

On Wednesday the Ladies’ Choir will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the vicar.

The service will close with “Little drops of water”. One of the ladies will start quietly and the congregation will join in.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the basement of the church on Friday afternoon.

Trash and Treasure Sale. Ladies, look in your drawers. Your trinket may be someone else’s treasure.

A vicar was leaving his parish, and at the farewell party one of the ladies of the congregation told him “Oh, vicar, we will miss you, you’ve been wonderful!”

“Don’t worry,” he replied, “I expect the next will be even better.”

“I don’t think so,” she said, “that’s what the last one told me.”

A young lad was left alone in the house for a while and, overcome with curiosity, took the opportunity to explore his parents’ bedroom. Suddenly he heard a key turn in the front door and his mother came up the stairs accompanied by someone else who, he could tell from his voice, was a man – and not his father!

There was nothing for it but to hide in the wardrobe. Through a crack in the door he saw his mother and the man kiss passionately, get undressed and climb into bed. Moments later he heard the front door open and his father call out “It’s only me – I’m home early.”

His mother and the strange man leaped out of bed in panic and she bundled him and his clothes into the same wardrobe where her son was hiding. After a while the man realised that he was not alone when the lad said “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

Horror-stricken, the man could only agree, and when the boy said “If you don’t give me $20, I’ll tell my dad you’re here”, had no alternative but to pay up. Eventually they were able to escape, the man out of the window and the boy pretending he had been in his own room all the time.

Next Sunday, the family was in church. When the collection plate was passed round the boy put in a five-dollar note. His father was astonished and wanted to know how he had come by so much money.

The boy said he had found it, but his father did not believe him and told him to go and confess his sin. As he stepped into the confessional box, he said “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” and a voice from the other side of the grille groaned, “Oh, God, not you again!”

A vicar made this announcement from the pulpit – “We are thinking of starting a club for young mothers in the parish. If any lady would like to be a young mother, would she please see me in the vestry after the service.”