At the start of a driving lesson, the instructor said to his pupil “We’re going out into the country today. What roadside signs might we expect to see?”
After a moment of thought, she replied “Eggs for sale?”
Men whose wives want to learn to drive should not stand in their way.
Three retired Brigadiers were chatting at a Regimental Reunion and deploring the fact that they were all getting old. “It’s my eyes that are failing”, said the first. “When I go shooting I have the greatest difficulty seeing the birds.”
“With me, it’s my hearing,” said the second. “When I play bridge I have quite a problem hearing the calls.”
“Oh, in my case it’s my memory,” said the third. “I recently hired a secretary to type my memoirs – a most attractive girl! After working late one night I took her home and suggested I might come into her flat, while she slipped into something comfortable. “She told me straight – “Brigadier – you’ve had it”.
Funny thing was – I couldn’t remember whether I had or not.”
A retired colonel was walking through the subway at Green Park underground station when he saw a busker playing a violin. Propped up in the violin case was a sign saying “Please give generously – Falklands veteran”.
The colonel naturally felt great sympathy for the ex-soldier who had fought for his country, and anger that he had been reduced to busking. He dropped a ten pound note into the open case and as he walked away, the busker said “Gracias, Senor”.
In 1940, when there was a shortage of serge for uniforms, a Royal Navy Fleet Order was issued stating ‘Wrens’ uniforms will be held up until the urgent requirements of seagoing personnel have been satisfied.’
A woman went to her doctor complaining a pains across her chest and down her left arm. The doctor was concerned, and asked her to strip so he could examine her thoroughly.
The examination completed and he said “Well, I have to tell you. You have acute angina.”
“Never mind the compliments,” she snapped, “what’s wrong with me?”
Some years ago, an outbreak of psittacosis, the disease spread by parrots, received considerable publicity in the press. This prompted a young woman who was feeling a bit under the weather to imagine she was suffering from the disease and sent her rushing to her doctor for a thorough examination.
After the examination, he was able to assure her that he could find no trace of psittacosis. “It was silly of me even to have thought of it,” said the woman, “for I’ve never been in contact with a parrot.”
Maybe not, “the doctor commented, “but I see you’ve had a cockatoo.”
A sign on the maternity ward wall read “The first three minutes of life are the most critical.”
Below it, someone had written “The last three are pretty dangerous, too!”
This sign appeared in a travel agent’s window – “This month’s special offer is a week in Venice for $200, including car hire”.
An American tourist in Rome, anxious to make conversation with the locals, asked three Italian women who from history they would choose to be. The first decided on Gina Lollobrigida and when asked why replied “What a woman, what a figure – and so many lovers!”
The tourist accepted the validity of her choice and turned to the second woman. She chose Sophia Loren, saying “What a beautiful body, what a sexy expressions she has – and as many men in her life as she wants.”
The third woman, without the slightest hesitation, said she would like to be “Virginia Pippelini”. Neither the tourist nor the other two women had heard of Virginia Pipellini, so she was asked to tell them about her. But way of explanation she produced a faded American newspaper cutting which proclaimed “Virginia pipeline laid by 3000 men in two days!”
